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Tea Time With Tolu

How To Know You Are Not In Love

In the previous episode, we duly narrated the things to look out for in knowing whether what you have is actually love or you’re probably in over your head. We saw how statements like the underlisted have confused tons of people into making wrong commitments and decisions

Love Relationships
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Are you in love?

You crave or can’t get enough of them
They’re your everything
You see them in your future
They’re kind to you…e.t.c

We saw that these things do not necessarily validate love. But that then begs the question, if we can’t determine love with these easy things we’re already used to, then how can we know when we truly love or are in love with that significant other?

Here are three easy steps to know you’re IN love:

You know cos you *do* the act of loving
You invest effort. You put in actual work.

Love isn’t a state of mind, measured by feelings and sentiments, it’s in the doing. It’s refusing to be vengeful, manipulative, callous, unforgiving, unnecessarily petty or jealous. Love isn’t a constant desire for validation or assurance, or taking account of the other persons ‘love deeds’ and only reciprocating to balance the books. It is doing the acts of love selflessly, without ulterior motives or a selfish intent at the back of your mind.

You know because you refuse to make your love conditional, or your acts of love something to be earned.

You know because you understand their love language and play to it. You know because you care for them and take care of them. You refuse to be grabby or clingy or irrational just to satisfy your misguided insecurities. You know because you love them in the big things, the little things and the in between things.

You know you do cos you decide to

Love doesn’t fall on you, neither do you fall into it. It is intentional and anticipated and planned. You can unknowingly (or perhaps unwittingly )develop feelings, but you decide to love.
You know because you are deliberate. You are conscious of the fact that you love. You know because you are committed to do the act of loving

You know you do cos their interest and values matter to you – always

Note: Always.

Not just when you’re in a great mood, or in a good mood. Always.

You know because you refuse to be callous even during disagreements. You don’t withhold your love or acts of love to punish them. You know because you don’t hold your love over their head as something they have to ‘behave correctly’ to get.

You know you love when you do the acts of loving even when it isn’t always convenient.

The real issue is that we shouldn’t be trying to find out if we’re in love(that’s something you can only answer by deciding to or not to), in reality we should be trying to learn how to love our partners better.

So the next time you’re trying to improve that relationship, don’t go looking for answers to “How to know I’m in love”, instead try asking: “How to love my partner better”.

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