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The Food Whisperer by ChefObubu: What we went through

Let me tell you the story of the Potato who exfoliated only to be Jacket potato…

The one who went for a weight loss program only to be French Fries;

“Is that my blood?!” he screamed “No sir, its ketchup, please calm down!” Right before he was eaten…Alive!

Trust Issues.

………………………………..

“So how does this Tanning work?” The excited bunch asked;

“Pretty simple” was the reply

They didn’t ask ‘For who?’ They went in…

Not as a bunch…Separated in slices..stripped of their united power;

“I’m almost burning” they screamed… “Don’t worry i would flip you over”

Oh Fried Plantain.

………………………………….

“It’s a blind date.”

“Sounds fun”

No! Stay at home with your home girls! Don’t do it! But you never listened…

“You’ve trust issues Jollof; and all you do fried is support her”

Those were your last words….

Now you stuck in a loveless marriage. Staying; just for the kids.

Ok White. Must be Rice.

………………………..

Oh how some humans have wronged you.

“Please don’t tell my story!” You beg me.

“Let me die a honorable death, don’t let my brothers know what was done to me”

“I have to. You’re a fallen soldier” I say.

“I begged them. Add small spice”

Story of the Un-seasoned Chicken.

…………………

“I was water. Now I’m Ice”

“………. ”

“What?”

“………. ”

“Won’t you tell my story?”

Me: “This is a collection of sad stories…nothing was done wrong to you”

“But..but..I was water..now I’m this cold unfeeling being. I want to love again”

Me: *Sighs* *scribbles jibberish*

Bye Ice.

…………………………………

“We are the trio”

Me: “And you’re?”

“Amala Ewedu and Gbegiri, people talk about us a lot”

Me: “is that necessarily a good thing?”

“Surprised you didn’t recognize us; you know our only rival is Pounded Yam & Egu…”

Me: “NEXTTT!!”

*scribbles*: ‘Another Sharapova drama’ *Delete*

……………………..

“Everyone else is so happy, i watch them, together. As one *sniffs* with… their husbands and children… ”

Me: “Ma, if you need some time to heal, I can postpone your interview” *hands tissue*

“I want a divorce. But without him, I’m nobody, last week. The children he.. ”

Assistant: I thought you already concluded the Ewa goyin interview?

Me: “She came alone. He’s bringing new kids home…”

*Scribbles* “Who are you when you’re not a wife?” “Why do you stay?” *Discards for later*.

……………….

“They wake us up so early! We are always too tired. We need new management”

Me: “Please take a seat. What’s your band called?”

“Breakfast. Write our story; we signed a contract we can’t get out of”

Me: “Every heard of the brunch group? Quite entertaining, almost like Breakfa..”

Me:”wait! Come back!” *Sighs*

Assistant: We just lost the breakfast band

………….

“Excuse me!! Excuse me!!”

Me: *facepalm* oh God. Not again.

“Food whisperer?! I know you can hear me!”

Me: “I’m on my break” *Sighs*

“I keep trying to book an appointment.. They call me Hot Dog and serve me cold! I have OCD I can’t deal with this. Help me! Please”

Me: You can’t be cold dog

“Why? Your advert says I can be anybody; anything I want to be”

Me: “Well…”

“Am I an exception?”

Me: Not really?

“So you would tell my story?”

Me: “of course”

*Tosses interview in trash*

Some things are better left unaddressed.

……………

“I auditioned for a major role. I should’ve gotten the part…I should’ve been the lead fruit in that salad movie. You know what they did? Put me in a Cake..A Cake! For a healthy living commercial. Like! Come on! Am i only a fruit when it comes to cake?

Me: “Mr Raisin. You’re perfect the way you are? If other fruit don’t recognize that it’s their loss. I love fruit cakes. You did amazing.”

“I get passed around every Christmas”

Me: “Do you eventually find someone to love you?”

“Yes”

“Isn’t it always worth the wait?

“Yes”

“Then yours is a beautiful story of finding someone to love you regardless?

“Yes”

“You’re one lucky fruit”

 

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